[Regia-NA] Fwd: [trimaris] A Good Laugh
Ealdric Frog_Hollow
ealdric@bellsouth.net
Sat, 30 Mar 2002 00:05:00 -0500
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I know you don't encourage cross-posting, but you should enjoy this one.
Especially if you are familiar with the kingdoms of the SCA
>Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 15:55:56 EST
>To: trimaris@trimaris.org
>
>Subject: [trimaris] A Good Laugh
>
>This is a Filk done by Lord Gaelan "Mordane" Garrett. The original was
>"The Inexperienced Chili Taster" author unknown. It has been done in fun
>and no intentions of offending any one were meant. Ld Gaelan
>"Mordane Garrett is an apprentice to Baroness Mistress Rosalynde
>d'Angleterre. Ld. Gaelan "Mordane" Garrett and H.L. Barrett are both
>Apprentices To Count Sir Master Finn Kelly O'Donnell
>
>
>INEXPERIENCED SPIRITS TASTER Notes >From An Inexperienced Spirits Taster
>Named
>Baron Master Janos der Klein, a Laurel who was visiting Ansteorra from the
>Kingdom of Trimaris:
>
>
>"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Ansteorra Mixed
>Spirits Contest.
>The original person didn't make it to the event at the last moment, and I
>happened to be
>Standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Tavern when
>The time came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Ansteorrans)
>That the Spirits wouldn't be all that Strong, and besides, they told me I
>could
>Have free Mead during the tasting, so I accepted.
>
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>Spirits # 1: Welps Fyre
>- JUDGE BARRETT: A little too heavy on Fruit Juice. Amusing kick.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Nice, smooth fruit flavor. Very mild.
>- JANOS: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>Paint from your driveway. Took me two glasses of mead to put the flames
>out. I hope
>That's the worst one. These Ansteorrans are crazy.
>
>Spirits # 2: Magis Fyre
>- JUDGE BARRETT: Smooth, Nice Blue Color. Slight Cinnamon tang.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Exciting Cinnamon Flavor, needs more kick to be taken
>seriously.
>- JANOS: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
>To taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
>The Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more mead when they saw the look
>On my face.
>
>Spirits # 3: Lightning Punch
>- JUDGE BARRETT: Hmmm I have had cordials with more kick than this.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Needs More Vodka. Good After dinner Drink.
>- JOHAN: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
>Have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
>Mead before I ignite. Wench pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
>The front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the Mead.
>
>Spirits # 4: Johnny Jump Up
>- JUDGE BARRETT: Tastes like fermented Coca-Cola. Disappointing.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Tastes like a real bad Scotch. Needs work
>- JANOS: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
>It, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Morag, the Tavern maid, was
>standing
>Behind me with fresh refills; That 300 lb. Wench is starting to look HOT,
>Just like this nuclear-waste I'm drinking. Is Alcohol an aphrodisiac?
>
>Spirit # 5: Pirates Plunder
>- JUDGE BARRETT: Dark, strong sprit. Bacardi 151 Rum adding considerable
>kick. Very impressive.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLEY: Spirit using RUM, Vodka and Gin; could use more
>ginger. Must admit The Bacardi 151 does make a strong statement.
>- JANOS: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
>Longer focus my eyes. I Belched and four people in front of me needed
>Chirurgeons.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her alcohol had given me
>Brain damage. Morag saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring Mead directly
>On it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
>Me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>Screw those Ansteorra Laurels!
>
>Spirit # 6: Wenches Gold
>- JUDGE BARRETT: Light yet bold Spirit variety. Good balance of spice and
>fruit.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: The best yet. Aggressive use of Nutmeg, cinnamon, and
>ginger. Superb.
>- JANOS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
>Inferno flames. I crapped myself when I belched and I'm worried it will eat
>Through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand near me except that nut
>Morag, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
>I need to wipe my lips with a snow cone!
>
>Spirit # 7: Dragon's Tears
>- JUDGE BARRETT: A mediocre spirit with too much reliance on vodka.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Ho Hum tastes as if the maker literally threw together
>a bunch
>Of alcohol at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
>Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>- JANOS: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
>Feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
>It is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with alcohol, which slid
>Unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
>Killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
>I'm not
>Getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
>the 4-inch hole
>In my stomach.
>
>Spirit # 8: Ansteorra Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink
>- JUDGE BARRETT: A perfect ending, this is a nicely blended spirit, safe
>for all, not
>Too bold but strong enough to declare its existence.
>- JUDGE FINN KELLY: This final entry is a good, balanced Spirit, neither
>weak nor
>Strong. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
>out,
>Fell over and pulled the Bottle down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
>going to make it. Poor Trimarian, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
>Strong Spirits?
>- JANOS: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
>
>
Ealdric of Frog Hollow
"If the stars should appear but one night in a thousand years,...."
Ealdric of Frog Hollow ealdric@bellsouth.net
--=====================_2344365==_.ALT
Content-Type: text/html; charset="us-ascii"
I know you don't encourage cross-posting, but you should
enjoy this one.
Especially if you are familiar with the kingdoms of the SCA
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 15:55:56
EST
To: trimaris@trimaris.org
Subject: [trimaris] A Good Laugh
This is a Filk done by Lord
Gaelan "Mordane" Garrett. The original was "The
Inexperienced Chili Taster" author unknown. It has been done in fun
and no intentions of offending any one were meant. Ld Gaelan
"Mordane Garrett is an apprentice to Baroness Mistress Rosalynde
d'Angleterre. Ld. Gaelan "Mordane" Garrett and H.L. Barrett are
both Apprentices To Count Sir Master Finn Kelly O'Donnell
INEXPERIENCED SPIRITS TASTER Notes >From An Inexperienced Spirits
Taster Named
Baron Master Janos der Klein, a Laurel who was visiting Ansteorra from
the Kingdom of Trimaris:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Ansteorra
Mixed Spirits Contest.
The original person didn't make it to the event at the last moment, and I
happened to be
Standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Tavern when
The time came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Ansteorrans)
That the Spirits wouldn't be all that Strong, and besides, they told me I
could
Have free Mead during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Spirits # 1: Welps Fyre
- JUDGE BARRETT: A little too heavy on Fruit Juice. Amusing
kick.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Nice, smooth fruit flavor. Very mild.
- JANOS: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried
Paint from your driveway. Took me two glasses of mead to put the
flames out. I hope
That's the worst one. These Ansteorrans are crazy.
Spirits # 2: Magis Fyre
- JUDGE BARRETT: Smooth, Nice Blue Color. Slight Cinnamon
tang.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Exciting Cinnamon Flavor, needs more kick to be taken
seriously.
- JANOS: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
To taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me
The Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more mead when they saw
the look
On my face.
Spirits # 3: Lightning Punch
- JUDGE BARRETT: Hmmm I have had cordials with more kick than this.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Needs More Vodka. Good After dinner Drink.
- JOHAN: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I
Have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more
Mead before I ignite. Wench pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in
The front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
Mead.
Spirits # 4: Johnny Jump Up
- JUDGE BARRETT: Tastes like fermented Coca-Cola.
Disappointing.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Tastes like a real bad Scotch. Needs work
- JANOS: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
It, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Morag, the Tavern maid,
was standing
Behind me with fresh refills; That 300 lb. Wench is starting to look HOT,
Just like this nuclear-waste I'm drinking. Is Alcohol an
aphrodisiac?
Spirit # 5: Pirates Plunder
- JUDGE BARRETT: Dark, strong sprit. Bacardi 151 Rum adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
- JUDGE FINN KELLEY: Spirit using RUM, Vodka and Gin; could use more
ginger. Must admit The Bacardi 151 does make a strong
statement.
- JANOS: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
Longer focus my eyes. I Belched and four people in front of me
needed Chirurgeons.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her alcohol had given
me
Brain damage. Morag saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring Mead
directly
On it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses
Me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those Ansteorra Laurels!
Spirit # 6: Wenches Gold
- JUDGE BARRETT: Light yet bold Spirit variety. Good balance of
spice and fruit.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: The best yet. Aggressive use of Nutmeg,
cinnamon, and ginger. Superb.
- JANOS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
Inferno flames. I crapped myself when I belched and I'm worried it
will eat
Through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand near me except
that nut
Morag, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
I need to wipe my lips with a snow cone!
Spirit # 7: Dragon's Tears
- JUDGE BARRETT: A mediocre spirit with too much reliance on vodka.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: Ho Hum tastes as if the maker literally threw
together a bunch
Of alcohol at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
- JANOS: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
Feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
It is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with alcohol,
which slid
Unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know
what
Killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not
Getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole
In my stomach.
Spirit # 8: Ansteorra Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink
- JUDGE BARRETT: A perfect ending, this is a nicely blended spirit, safe
for all, not
Too bold but strong enough to declare its existence.
- JUDGE FINN KELLY: This final entry is a good, balanced Spirit, neither
weak nor
Strong. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out,
Fell over and pulled the Bottle down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Trimarian, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really Strong Spirits?
- JANOS: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report)
Ealdric of Frog Hollow
"If the stars should appear
but one night in a thousand years,...."
Ealdric of Frog Hollow
ealdric@bellsouth.net